By Jeanne Holverstott, M.S.
Q. I read that when Temple Grandin was a young girl, her mother hired a nanny to play turn-taking games with her to improve social skills. What sort of games do you recommend? Are there any that you don’t recommend?
A. After every holiday meal, my family would gather around the dining room table with a game purposefully selected by my mother for this occasion. I remember Taboo, Scattergories, Trivial Pursuit, Outburst. No matter the age of the player, the expectations were the same: follow the rules, win with humility, lose with grace, do your best, and never, ever complain. Games make up the fabric of a childhood and, perhaps, a lifetime, and appropriate game play opens doors to respect, friendship, and fun.
Turn-taking is a highly intricate skill that is easily taken for granted. When does your turn start? End? Whose turn is it? Where/how do you pay attention when it is not your turn? Do you need to pay attention when it is not your turn? Does someone else’s move affect your game play? How long can I make others wait? The type of game you select depends on the goal.
If your goal is turn-taking, keep the amount of “turn” time low to help keep the number of “turns” high. Consider: Candy Land, Connect Four, Jenga, Topple.
If your goal is sportsmanship, consider games that are quick and can be replayed frequently to minimize the devastation of losing. Consider: Connect Four, Tic Tac Toe, Operation. Also consider games that incorporate “small” losses within the game, rather than one “big” loss at the end: Chutes and Ladders, Mouse Trap, Sorry, Aggravation, Trouble.
Most games can be turned into games of cooperation. Take a game like Battleship. By putting two children on a team, they have to figure out how to work together. Who puts the pegs in? Will they take turns calling letters and numbers? Will one call a letter and one a number? Who will place the ships?
If your goal is simply to have fun, there are some basic considerations to make sure fun does not turn into a disaster. In general, consider:
· The level of distraction the game presents. I hate Mouse Trap, but kids love it for some reason unbeknownst to me. Mouse Trap provides pieces that are continuously distracting, falling apart, and creating problems.
· The level of attention required to complete the game. Unless we are playing a prodigy, we wouldn’t expect a five-year-old to play chess; expect some games to be too challenging for children to endure without a break.
· The length of turns. A Sorry card tells you exactly what to do, but Scrabble might take time, and lots of it, to develop the perfect word. Waiting is sometimes like asking a child to fail.
· The length of the game. Risk, Monopoly, and Chess are somewhat like a marriage: til’ death do you part. That being said, I have perfected the art of “pausing” a game (you’d be amazed at what post-it notes and paper clips can do). If you have 30 minutes, don’t attempt to squeeze in a “long” game; repeat or modify a short game.
Perhaps more than anything, games create memories and self-confidence. April 12, 1993 is a date I will never forget. I beat my mom at Scrabble for the first time. We had been playing for five years.
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By Kate Duffy
A while back, Toni, the SpectrumConnection editor, asked me to write about how far parents should go to help their teens on the spectrum land a job. Since then, several of our Hot Topics parents have shared their kids’ job search stories with me, and I realized there was no easy answer to her question. For the most part, though, their stories revolved around the kids’ inability to accurately read situations, to remember instructions and to multitask to make a deadline. Looking at that list, it sounds like business as usual on the job for most of us — which is why it is so very important that our kids start learning about the world of work as soon as they can.
That’s why the short answer to Toni’s question is this: do what you need to do.
And don’t do it alone.
Team up with the people in your life to introduce your teen to the world of work. When you get burned out – and you will – you’ll have reinforcements to soldier on to do the hard work of teaching your kid that he has to work and that not everyone is as fascinated with Pokemon, fighter planes, railroad time schedules as he is. You want your teen to join the outside world in a safe, organized manner, so bring in those folks you think would be good role models and champions for your teen.
How involved should you and your team become with your kid’s job search? There is no one right answer, but remember that our kids are generally younger than their chronological age, so that a 16 year old on the spectrum is more like an 11 or 12 year old emotionally.
The end goal is for your teen to get some work experience and to be out in the world, so he understands more about the way the world operates. Given that, it’s not as important how your teen gets a job, just that he has one.
For many, the first job is sacking groceries. So you definitely want to know your neighborhood grocery store manager. You’ll want to talk to the manager before your teen does, letting him or her know about your teen’s strengths and problems. In addition, you’ll want to let the manager know something about autism, especially how prevalent it is, how it affects families throughout the community. By hiring your teen, tell the manager, the store is helping the autism community, which is loyal to supportive businesses.
Do you need to let your teen know about all your behind-the-scene maneuvering? No, you don’t, and it’s better if you don’t. Each kid is different, and so you have to tailor the approach to the kid. For instance, both of my sons are on the spectrum, but they are very different from each other temperamentally. With my oldest son, Nick, who has a lot of anxiety, I frequently have had to go around his back to get him to try new things. That’s how he started playing chess, which he loves, and is a skill he has made money from for a number of years.
Playing chess on a team and then being the team’s assistant coach for three years was a great experience for Nick. Not only was his chess coach a wonderful mentor for him, he also taught Nick how to be a leader and supervisor. For three years, til he got a paying job as an assistant chess coach, Nick worked with Mr. Cooper and learned the important workplace skills of showing up on time, conversing politely even when you don’t feel like it, and managing others – in this case, kindergartners to 8th graders, not a particularly easy workforce.
When he was 14, he also worked for my friend Necia, building her small business a data base of clients and contacts. Three afternoons a week that summer, he walked to her home-based business a half mile away and got to work. What he didn’t know, though, was that I had asked Necia to let him work for her because I knew she would be a good mentor for him, that he would learn about the world in a safe, organized way with her.
Don’t feel badly about intervening in your teen’s vocational life. There is a lot of competition for jobs right now, and our kids need to be part of a team – even if they don’t think they do. Sign them up for Vocational Rehabilitation services too because the VR counselors will then be a part of your team, which gives you a bit of a breather. Remember, the type of skills it takes to get a job do not come naturally to our teens. That’s why the unemployment and underemployment rate for people on the spectrum is about 92 percent.
So get your team together and remember you are not alone. There are lots of us out there doing behind the scenes coaching with our kids. Just keep the end goal in mind and plug away.
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Rumor has it that the new Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders-Fifth Edition (DSM-V) will eliminate the diagnostic category of Asperger’s Syndrome, 16 years after its inception in the DSM-IV. “Asperger” symptoms will be combined with those of another mild form of autism to create a new category to be named.
I work in schools with kids diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome and I am the parent of a young adult with the same diagnosis. I would invite anyone who considers AS a “mild” form of Autism, to walk a day in the shoes of parents and educators who live through the daily struggles of this disorder. Yes, these kids do have verbal communication; yes, they respond outwardly to their environment; yes, they look somewhat like their peers, at least when they are still, calm, and not trying to change the topic of every conversation to the subject of WWII weaponry!
If my son’s condition were “mild,” at age 20 he would be able to wash his own hair, understand the concept of time, be able to drive, have social interactions, and comprehend the difference between $20 and $200. He would be able to do basic algebra, fill out college applications, or even consider taking a credit class at the Jr. college. He would not need a para at school, a job coach at work, Medicaid, or SSI.
While the range of impairment varies widely, AS is far from “mild.” I would hope that any changes to the DSM will reflect the “severity” and challenges of this form of Autism.
I am worried that changing the DSM will confuse the public; folks with Asperger’s are just now being recognized for their unique needs. What’s more, I see the needs of Aspies being so very different from classic autism. Our kids have mastered reading and writing and are verbal. They are struggling with acceptance and navigating social circles, and as a result they often have coexisting conditions like anxiety and depression.
My high school-age son is quite aware that he is different, but is similar enough to “typical” kids that he blends in. I fear that he will fall through the cracks.
The other issue this raises is his (and others’) self-identification into a special group. If he’s no longer an “Aspie,” what does that mean?
My son was diagnosed with Asperger’s 8 years ago, he’s 18 now. He appears normal outwardly, he’s extremely intelligent, he excelled at Algebra, Geometry, Trigometry, but he struggles to read body language, make eye contact, “get sarcasm” or jokes. You say, “Hey, what’s up”? He still looks up. The kids at school thought this was hilarious, however; it was extremely painful, for him to experience.
I don’t know about them being calm, my son gets anxious when he’s in a new environment, or in large crowds, and he will attempt to take over the conversation and talk about computers. If he’s not Aspergers, then what does he become? We’ve educated him on Asperger’s Syndrome, bought books for him to read, now we just tell him, oops, sorry, they’ve made a mistake? Really?
PLEASE DO NOT eradicate the Aspergers diagnosis! I am an educator with 32 years teaching experience,3 degrees and the parent of a 16 yr old girl with ASD!!! She looks “normal” just dont talk about vampires,John Lennon,or the Beatles..she STILL needs help brushing her hair,choosing her clothes, getting food..she will NEVER go to college or ever live on her own..she has full time para support in school,attends monthly socail skills classes,sees a therapist for MORE help on social issues and I work with her every night on school work..she can barely add or subtract cant make change doesnt get sarcasm,or humor and the phone NEVER rings to go out with “friends”..she is easily gullible and could easily be at risk were she to venture out alone at a mall etc..this will never change she is what she is..she has Aspergers a higher but equally and maybe even more challenging form of Autism this diagnosis needs to remain so we are able to access what FEW servces that are available for ASD kids..most of which I pay for OUT OF MY POCKET!! This “invisible” handicap is the worst..removing the diagnosis woudl be devasting to this population and the families that are trying to support them.